


Paragon: A Collection of Mass Effect Imagined Dialogues

by carrot_cakes



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Earthborn (Mass Effect), F/M, Female Friendship, Female Protagonist, Gen, Heartbreak, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard - Freeform, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect Spoilers, POV Character of Color, Post-Break Up, Post-Horizon, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), fshenko - Freeform, lil bit o' angst, unlikely friendship, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 03:55:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12027588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrot_cakes/pseuds/carrot_cakes
Summary: Dying is easy. It's living that's hard. Commander Alana Shepard struggles to put together the pieces of her old life, love, and friendships.





	1. Girl Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote these for myself only because I wasn't satisfied with the amount of NPC conversations in the game. Mostly focused on Shepard/Kaidan and some what-if Shepard/Garrus and mostly takes places in the second game.
> 
> Feedback is appreciated!! :)

Alana flipped the lid of her laptop open, then closed. Open. Closed. Back on Earth she always found that a run helped to clear her head, but Cerberus hadn’t thought to outfit the Normandy with a gym. And that was unfortunate, because she’d never needed to clear her head like she did now.

Gym or no, it would have done her some good to get out of the enclosed, windowless cabin’s quarters. In fact, the whole ship felt, ironically, alien to her. She wanted her old ship back; she didn’t want to be here.

 _It’s not a prison - you chose to be here. You chose to work with- work_ for _Cerberus._ It was like she was hearing his voice in her head, except it was her own.

“I didn't choose! And I'm not working for them! He of all people should know how much I despise them. How can he accuse- how can he not trust my decisions! You didn’t even hear me out!” She banged her fist on the desk, and the photo of Kaidan fell on its face. Seeing his picture, jokingly frowning at her, started her sobbing again for the third time that hour.

The door slid open, and Shepard quickly dried her eyes and sat up, embarrassed to be seen in such a weak position. She had an image to maintain.

“Relax, Commander. I won’t judge.”

Jack was the last person Alana expected to see. She strode into the room, stopping in front of Shepard’s desk before lazily stretching a leg over it.

“Ever heard of knocking?” Alana’s voice quavered. She pushed her laptop away from where Jack had almost sat on it.

“You’re the one always interrupting my quiet unannounced. Figured it was time I repay the favor. Now spill, woman. Let it all out.”

Alana smiled sarcastically at her. “You're less comforting than a drill sergeant. What are you doing here?”

Jack narrowed her eyes at her. “Surprised I cared? I heard you get chewed out on Horizon by your ex. Even I know that must suck. Just wanted to check up on you."

Alana picked up the fallen photograph. “He’s not my ex,” she mumbled.  _Damn it, don't start crying again. And quit feeling sorry for yourself._

“He is now!” Jack sat down on the edge of the desk and flipped the photo back over. “At least, for now.” Her voice softened. “You know, you didn’t deserve all that crap he said to you. So don’t go beating yourself up.”

Alana looked up at her, brushing away another tear. “No, no, he has every right to be upset. I’d be more than pissed, hurt, even, if he had been dead for two years only to turn up out of the blue with new terrorist friends.”

Jack snorted. “Am I the terrorist friend?” She laughed. “He’s right not to trust Cerberus. But you know how much I hate them, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be under your command if I didn’t trust your judgment. And if he-“ She poked the desk with her finger. “-doesn’t have that level of trust in you, fuck ‘im!”

She paused, looking at Alana for a moment. “And anyway- you’ve been through enough shit. Don’t worry about him right now.”

“Tell me about it. Jack, you don’t seem like the kind of person who would like coming back from the dead.”

“No,” she said in a low voice, tracing a finger along the edge of the table. “I wouldn’t. If I die on this ship, make sure Cerberus doesn’t get a fingernail.” Her tone was joking, but Alana knew she meant every word.

She smiled at Jack, more sincerely this time. _Who’d have guessed this woman would be my most trusted female friend right now?_

Jack seemed to read her mind. “Hey, nice girl talk session. I just… thought we should stick together. I like you a lot more than that creepy mutant Miranda.”

“Hey, who’s the creepy mutant?” She said, laughing. Jack smiled back, with the most sincerity Shepard had ever seen in her.


	2. A Long Leash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard struggles to come to terms with her new life after being dead for two years.

 “Commander! You’re awake.”

 

 Alana's heart soared at the sight of the first familiar face since awakening. But her hopes immediately fell at the sight of the Cerberus uniform

 "Joker." _So they got you too_.

 “So what’s the afterlife like? Did you meet God? Elvis?”

 Alana tried to smile, but it came out closer to a grimace. “Nice to see you, too.” Jeff Moreau grinned and leaned forward on his crutches. “Sorry, I had to ask. Not everyone’s had the opportunity you’ve had.”

 Alana looked away, not answering his question. “Yeah. Quite an opportunity.” She'd seen dozens of good men and women die and no shadowy organization had cared enough to bring them back. She couldn't help but feel undeserving. 

 Joker walked over to the window where she was standing. “Ah, so you saw her already? They let me inside and damn, she’s really something. It’s gonna be just like old times. I’m glad we’ll be working together again. And Shepard?” She looked back at him. “Cerberus isn’t so bad. Try to give them a chance.”

 

_God, not you too._

 

 

 Alana paced around her cabin in the new Normandy. It was too new. Her old quarters were lived in, inherited from Captain Anderson. _God, he thinks I’m dead. Everyone thinks I’m dead._ She pressed her palms to her temples and smoothed her curls back. Why did everything have to be so messy now that she was back? Why couldn’t the world have stayed just as she left it? 

 She sighed to herself. _Of course you can’t expect the world to wait for you while you’re dead. Life went on without you, like it or not. And now it’s up to you to get everything in order._

 She took the elevator down to the command deck to her terminal. She needed to tell Anderson, Kaidan, the Alliance… They needed to know she was alive. They needed to hear it from her. 

 “Commander, you have a new message on your terminal.” Yeoman Chambers smiled brightly at her. _Oh, right. “Call me Kelly.”_ Even if she had truly meant all she’d said about wanting to help "everyone, even aliens,” she’d still do whatever Cerberus asked, in the name of “the crews’ mental health”. Including reading all incoming and outgoing mail, Alana guessed. So she couldn’t even contact her friends.

 With dawning horror Alana realized the extent of Cerberus's clutches. They hadn't given her her life back, they'd taken it from her. From Commander Shepard of the Systems Alliance, first human Spectre, to Commander Shepard, Cerberus's puppet. And the worst part was, she didn't know what they wanted with her. For now, they had the same goals. It was genius really, because she had no choice but to work with them. They were headed the same direction anyway, and she needed the funding. And to help her, they'd given her a ship, a crew, and free reign of the galaxy.

 But a long leash was still a leash. You don't spend 4 billion credits on someone's life out of charity. She wasn't going to be fooled into a sense of freedom. They were only letting her do whatever she wanted because they knew her sense of duty propelled her along a single path. But the first chance she got, Alana was going to shake off the shackles and take back her life. And if she couldn't...

 Well, death hadn't been so bad.


	3. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soon after waking up in her new body, Alana checks herself out in the mirror. She doesn't like what she sees.

The water ran over her knuckles, between her fingers, under her fingernails. Her nails were too long. She always kept them short, so they wouldn’t break. She was practical.

She flexed her hands, examining them. Strong hands. Soft hands. Did they look the same? Feel the same? Everyone was amazed she was alive. To her, it wasn’t strange at all. It felt like she’d always been alive. She couldn’t remember what it was like to be dead. 

And yet…her last memories were of clawing at her oxygen tank, desperately trying to slow her breathing, spinning head over feet while the Normandy shrank smaller and smaller in the distance, her suit’s beeping fading to nothing…

Alana looked back at her hands to find that she was digging her long, rounded, freshly-cut nails into her palm. The sink was still running. She shut it off.

She forced herself to look into the mirror. Had they touched her up? Like that perfect, inhumanly pretty Miranda? Alana wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d grown her in a lab, too.

She tilted her head back, left, right. Same old face. But her scar… She felt a swell of hot anger. They’d fixed her. Rebuilt her. Stitched together the stolen remnants of her corpse and pulled her back from the void. Who gave them the right? Just like her crew, her ship, her title, her legacy, was even her own death no longer hers?

Alana touched her cheekbone, where her fingers had automatically traced the scar countless times. A knife had given her that scar. Kaidan had kissed that scar. Now there was no trace of it.

This body had never been kissed. Had never felt a knife’s edge or a bullet’s burning cold. Had never been warmed by the sun. Had not grown in her mother's womb. Shaking, she raised a hand to her cheek. This time she pressed hard, with one sharp nail. Drops of blood beaded on her dark skin. Wincing, she gave a sharp pull and leaned forward to examine the cut. 

Perfect. That’ll leave a mark.


	4. Based off the scene from The Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Awww babe...You had a crush on me...That's embarassing..."
> 
> "We're married."
> 
> "Still..."

“When was the first time–when did you first realize you liked me?”

The sheets rustled as Alana rolled over in bed and Kaidan could feel her eyes on him. His gaze flitted down to meet hers.

“Well I’m sure you could guess I was in denial for a while. So I don’t know exactly when–“ Alana trailed off as disappointment momentarily crossed her lover’s face. “Okay, I’ll play. Just gimme time to think.” She looked up at the ceiling, lost in thought. The corners of her lips pulled back in the slightest smile, then broadened as another memory came to her, her eyes crinkling. He still couldn’t believe he could make her smile like that. Not as often now as before, but he tried as hard as he could.

“I think it was when–I think I started liking you bit by bit but the moment I finally couldn’t deny it any longer”–she looked back at him and gave him a sly grin–"was when you told me I didn’t know how to use chopsticks.”

He burst out laughing, slapping a hand to his forehead and running it through his hair. “Oh no! I remember that! Come on, I made you coffee every day for like a month! And the chopsticks are what did it? I thought I had more game than that!"

“Yeah, you just blurted it out! Well, you said it more politely than that...but I still don’t know where that came from. And then you got kind of embarrassed. I think that was the only thing you could think to say.”

“I’m pretty sure that was it, yeah. God, was I that transparent? You know, you were probably the last person to realize I had a crush on you. It was so obvious.”

She shook her head at him and brushed her bangs off her forehead. “Oh, I knew. I just tried to ignore it.”

“Until you couldn’t?”

She paused, revising the memory. “You tried to show me and I had my fingers all wrong so you grabbed my hand–“

“I _asked_ if I could take your hand–“

His fingers had been very warm, she remembered. It would be cliche to say sparks flew when their hands touched if she weren't dating a biotic. He had shocked her twice but she hadn’t pulled her hand away. “And you put my fingers on the chopsticks but you were so nervous that you kept shocking me,” she accused him.

“And then I just kinda, walked away, if I remember correctly.”

“Honestly I’m not sure. I don’t think I even tasted my lunch after that. I just kept thinking about…about how warm your hands were.”

Kaidan grinned and poked her arm. “Is Commander Shepard blushing? You? We’ve been dating for a year.”

Alana snorted. “Yeah, even _I_ have feelings. Okay then, you seem like you have something you’re wanting to tell me.”

Kaidan rolled on top of her, pulling her close. His biotics only tickled her now. She felt their presence comforting. “The first time I saw you smile. That’s when I knew.”

She laughed. “So, three months into our relationship?”

“That’s what you think. But I see right through you. I know you have emotions. It was actually–when you were first assigned to the Normandy, Joker and Jenkins–you’ll have to forgive them–made a bet to see who could catch you smiling first.”

“ _Uh-huh_.”

“Yeah, I thought it was kinda sexist. So I didn’t play. But! I ended up winning.”

“I can tell you’re proud. How much did you make off me?”

“Oh, I never told the guys. I just–I saw you in the mess hall one day. You and Anderson were chatting and I went to make a cup of coffee and suddenly I heard this outburst of laughter and I almost dropped the coffee! I think you snorted–don't say anything! You know I think it's cute–but it was the most beautiful laughter, the most beautiful smile. I just turned and stared at you and it was like, you weren’t a legend anymore. I still had a helluva lot of respect for you, of course, but now, now I wanted to get to know you. As a person. See, I'm not intimidated by a woman in power. Obviously I didn’t think it was ever gonna work out, but I wanted to keep that one little special moment just for me. Not share it with Jenkins or Joker.”

Alana broke the silence after a few heartbeats. “Okay, that was actually pretty sweet. Dunno how I thought I could compete with Mr. Romantic here and his prose. Can I redo mine? Because the first time I heard you really laugh was also pretty cute. So loud for such a quiet–”

Kaidan chuckled. “No, you’re stuck now. That’s what you chose to have a crush on me for. This is your fault."


End file.
